A Quick Guide To Becoming An MP In Kenya

1. Join any political party; they are all the same only the names are different. But if you don’t fancy the name of any of the existing parties, just form own and call it whatever you want.eg. Goat and sons party of Kenya. It doesn’t have to make sense.
Make sure though to label your party as “friendly “to the presidential candidate from your region or tribe.
TIP: If you live very far from the party’s headquarters just make a call and the party will come to you. They now have mobile offices.

2. If you want to become an MP in Nairobi it will help if you are a former councilor. If in Western province make sure you are or was once a director of a certain sugar factory or sugar board. Alternatively you were a KFF (Kenyan Football Federation) official. If in Central province be involved in the coffee or tea politics: a chairman of a farmer’s cooperative society is a good start.

3. If you are seeking reelection blame the government for your poor development record if you were in the opposition and the opposition if you were in the government. Claim to have spent the last five years fighting battles with the opponents for the people’s benefit. You have now learnt “their” tricks and the next five years are going to be driven purely by development. Of course voters will believe this.

4. If it’s too hot, promise to push the sun upwards a little bit if elected. You don’t need to explain how. Just make promises and lots of them. Again voters will certainly believe you.

5.And the basics: blast everyone ears with your loud public address system, hire youths to spend the day on top of lorries and pickups doing nothing but singing in your praise. Stick posters wherever there is some free space, don’t worry who will remove them after the elections. Attend any Harambees and church fundraisings in your constituency. Be sure to outshine your opponent in the donations. And oh don’t forget to bad mouth your opponents with as much sleaze as you can.

2007 Vote for the not so clever leaders.